slowly trying to get understood, so i can *ACTUALLY* get stuff done.

so i just spoke to the travel pca and my financial worker. we were discussing what i wanted to all do when i went to new york. i specified that i wanted to look at housing many times and i think the travel pca asked me, "wait.. why do you want to move to new york so bad? is it JUST to get away from your family?" then i said, "no but that's one of the MAIN reasons." then the travel pca said, "oh because i was gonna say that you shouldn't wanna move out there just because of that-" YOU OBVIOUSLY don't know or CARE how it feels to NOT have anyone truly concerned for your well-being when you go to an emergency room and NO ONE answers the fucking phone (EVEN WHEN YOU LEAVE MESSAGES BUT THEY'RE TOO BUSY TAKING TRIPS AND HAVING THE TIMES OF THEIR LIVES TO RETURN YOUR CALL EVER). NO.. that's NOT the ENTIRE reason but it's one of the reasons that take the most significance since that's basically the ONLY reason i can think of why people say i shouldn't move (SUPPOSED family "support".. JOE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY MADE A FUCKING EFFORT TO CHECK ON ME LAST TIME I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM WHICH ENDED UP IN ME HAVING TO HAVE SURGERY ON MY INTESTINES AND BOWEL- NOT JUST BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE IT'D MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD OR WTF REASON). i'm not wasting more of my fucking life here in a place JUST because it's too fuckin inconvenient for people to help me live in a place where i can ACTUALLY be happy and EMPLOYED instead of being UNEMPLOYED and called a fuckin "welfare rat" by people who DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T be talking- the BOYFRIEND of my cousin- who basically condoned it and allowed the idiot to try to hack my computer many times (what goes around, comes around, dick). THERE ARE ALSO MORE OPPORTUNITIES THERE TO BE A CONSTRUCTIVE, HAPPY PERSON.. NOT JUST BECAUSE MY SAD EXCUSE OF A SUPPORT FAMILY LIVES HERE- WASTING MY POTENTIAL JUST BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING INCONVENIENT FOR THEM TO MOVE ME SOMEWHERE I CAN BE TRULY CONSTRUCTIVE AND HAPPY.. NEWSFLASH DICKS- THIS IS MY LIFE. NOT YOURS. YOU DIDN'T ALMOST FUCKING DIE AND/OR YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T BUST YOUR ASS OFF TO BE TRULY AMBULATORY SO YOU WEREN'T FUCKING SENTENCED TO BE PARAPLEGIC FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S FUCKING CONVENIENCE. AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE spoken to and treated like however the fuck other people who are SUPPOSED to actually CARE FEEL LIKE FUCKING TREATING YOU- JUST because treating me like a normal respected human being is unbeneficial to them. THAT GOES FOR ALL MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE- WHO KNOWS HOW THIS FEELS). the travel pca told me that i should look for other places besides new york to live. i think it was either her or my financial worker that came up with massachusetts. (although i was just thinking of massachusetts and i'm pretty sure brian told me to stick to ny because it was so expensive to live in massachusetts when i asked him about it over a year ago). so i'm gonna ask ics to help me look for housing resources so we can possibly look at those next trip. i brought up that the ics company has been helping me find housing in new jersey and if we could possibly look in new jersey the next trip to new york but i'm not sure how much of an impact my idea made in the conversation. so i need to look for massachusetts housing resources by the time we have our next joint telephone conversation- sometime around my birthday. i was hoping to be outta this damn state and into a new apartment in new jersey or new york BY the time of my next birthday (which is actually in two weeks and a day not counting today).. but whatever.. at least i have people helping me get out of this state now. i also forgot to mention another reason why i wanna move to another area is because i've been unemployed for AT LEAST 3 years i think and i haven't had any real help getting me employed- so i figure there probably isn't many good employers around here who are cooperative and actually diverse- not JUST when it comes to race- one who actually hires a range of different social and ethnic backgrounds and of different genders, sexual orientations, and different disabilities (even though i did JUST interview with an employer who may actually be willing to let me work..). so that's JUST ANOTHER reason why i want to move. if you're laughing at this ignorantly- try putting yourself in my shoes without any real support and mindlessly just being expected to attend this sad excuse of a rehabilition "center" who just UNDERESTIMATES your potential SO YOU JUST FUCKING WASTE YOUR TIME DOING THE SAME EASY ASS SHIT THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY HELP YOU SO THEY CAN STUFF THEIR FUCKING POCKETS, ASSUMING YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THEY'RE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU AND INTENTIONALLY WASTING YOUR TIME BECAUSE THEY THINK TBI=STUPID AND BEING FAILED YOUR DRIVING TEST EVERY DAMN TIME YOU TAKE IT BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT THEY CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN UNADVOCATED CLIENT WHO IS TRULY MOTIVATED TO DO BETTER. your pretentious ass thinks you're so god damn smart but if you were REALLY as smart as you make yourself out to be- YOU'D BE EMPATHETIC ALSO. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DIFFICULTY UNDERSTANDING HOW I REALLY FELT- NOT JUST ACCORDING TO WTF YOU THINK BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOUR LIFE WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE. stop being SELFISH and actually HELP me. and NO.. helping me does NOT equal holding me in front of you to shield you from being kicked and hit OR whining to people on the phone because you don't have anything else to do with your life, LYING about how you miss your daughter which YOU used as a shield when she was younger while her dad tried hitting and kicking you. YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO MISS ME ALL THOSE FUCKIN TIMES YOU WENT TO THE BAR TO PLAY POOL, LEAVING ME ALONE WHEN I WAS WHEELCHAIR BOUND, SO YOU WERE WHINING TO GRANDMA ABOUT HOW YOU WANTED TO GO OUT WHEN SHE FINALLY PUT HER FOOT DOWN AND MADE YOU STAY HOME. JUST STOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT OF TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM LIVING WHERE I TRULY WANT TO LIVE. YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING OUTTA IT BUT A PISSED OFF OLDER DAUGHTER WHO IS JUST GONNA STUFF YOU IN A NURSING HOME WHEN YOUR PEDOPHILE BOYFRIEND LEAVES YOU LIKE ALL YOUR OTHER DAMN BOYFRIENDS. I'M NOT GETTING ANY FUCKING YOUNGER HERE. YOU NEVER USED TO "CARE" THAT I WANTED TO MOVE TO A DIFFERENT STATE UNTIL FAT AMY MOVED IN WITH YOU. SHE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO BE SUCCESSFUL IF IT MAKES HER LOOK UNSUCCESSFUL BECAUSE SHE CAME FROM THE SAME WOMB AND BASICALLY THE SAME PLACES. I DID NOT SPREAD MY LEGS WHEN I WAS 12 AND I DIDN'T DROP OUT THEN. I ACTUALLY GRADUATED WITH HONORS AND I GOT MY DAMN DIPLOMA WHEELING UP ON THE PODIUM IN MY FUCKING WHEELCHAIR. I HAVE THIS THING CALLED "INTEGRITY" THAT MY MOM AND SISTER OBVIOUSLY LACK- so it's NOT my mom who i got the integrity from.. wonder if it was my dad.. hm..